All the Things I Thought I Wanted to Be / everything I ever was
held / four / skinny / five / little bunny foo-foo / weather lady / garbage man / gone / in charge of pushing the shopping cart / Momma’s mini me / Daddy’s princess / an apostle / a gymnast / wiffel ball bat / Nickelback’s rockstar / best friends with Michelle Masi / a good girl / a cross on the highway / Uncle Jesse & The Rippers / desired / Billy Idol’s white wedding (even though daddy says he’s a homo) / on American Idol / a redwood / both girls from Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend on Just Dance (but kissing) / Alice or Jasper Cullen / quiet / one of three reasons to stay / a grief counselor / unashamed at Splish Splash / straight / Victoria Secret angel / my brother / five-foot-five / bendable / a good Christian girl / a face on the milk carton / something normal / seen / so skinny you want me / allergic to peanut butter / fifteen / holy / allergic to meat / clean / Charlie & Patrick & Sam of Perks of Being a Wallflower (simultaneously) / straight / forgiven / a girl / a helium overdose / imperceptible / a bruise / without taste buds / a memory / a eulogy / Mothman / a biblically accurate angel / Troye Sivan & Tyler Oakley (but kissing) / five-foot-six / split open wide right down the middle / so skinny you are too scared to touch me / straight / Jasmine’s girlfriend / alligator skin boots / a hockey brawl / Holden Caulfield / roadkill / Spencer on Criminal Minds / a carpet bomb / sectioned / the falling man (& his splatter) / your favorite weapon / Long Island Sound ceviche / Ziggy Stardust / my fathers son / the most haunted site in North America / five, again / whole, again / found, again / softer than your dad was to your mom / Decker’s Husband / something of wonder / held, still.
Confessions of a Twenty-Five Year Old Teenager
Still fantasizing ‘bout being kidnapped.
can’t listen to Radiohead without feeling fingers inside.
preferring audiobooks. preferring women.
afraid of aboveground obstacle courses.
the way I drink milkshakes like the girl from Shallow Hal.
thought “four-a-door” was a car brand.
can’t point out Illinois on a map, or Nevada.
doing coke in the elevator at Sloan Kettering Memorial.
eating moldy bread ‘cause I deserve the sickness.
afraid of mayonnaise.
kicked out of the ED unit for not wanting their bettering.
can’t swallow in public. crying when I oughta punch.
collecting build-a-bears.
cutting the L tags off my shirts ‘cause they embarrass me.
still mean-mugging the mirror.
still talk ‘bout fleeing in my sleep.
still waking up here.
When I Grow Up, I Want to Be…
“I’m just here for the barbecue…”
“Vicious Raccoon at Central Park”
DeAnna / when we were girls
Rayn Page Valleau is a poet based in New York City with an MFA in Creative Writing from the City College of New York. His work appears in Global City Review, Promethean Literary Journal, Santulan Magazine, Cosmic Double, and elsewhere. A Stark Poetry Prize winner, he performs with The Poetry Brothel as Cash Casanova, a cowboy poet on the run—to your hearts.
The Marbled Sigh 